Resurrecting The Romance

Accept Your Partner’s Support and Support Them

resurrecting-the-romanceIt is a lot easier to support your spouse than it is to accept support from them.  Part of resurrecting romance is accepting his or her support.

Many times, people think they are supporting the other one through offering suggestions.  But this is not the most effective way to help someone.

The best way to offer support is to listen empathetically to them.  Let them come to their own solutions using you as a sounding board.

One thing you can do to offer support is to offer to take up the financial slack to help people achieve their dreams.  If your partner has always dreamed of becoming a painter, when you get a raise at work, don’t go out and buy a new car with higher car payments.  Offer to let him reduce his hours at work so that he has time to paint.  If she gets a promotion that requires her to travel, offer to pack her bags.  This kind of support will go a long way toward making a relationship work.

How does this tie in to resurrecting romance?  Well, it’s simple.  If you can offer support and accept support in turn, you will strengthen your relationship which opens the door to more romance in your life.

Live Your Love

Remember back to when you first met.  You probably called, emailed, texted, sent faxes, wrote love letters, or did whatever the technology allowed to let your love know that you were thinking of them.  In other words, you didn’t allow the hustle and bustle of daily life get in the way of living your love.  You didn’t take the other person for granted.

But over the years, you have come to accept the inevitable place the other person has in your life.  Picking up the milk or mowing the lawn become the things you do for your mate.

What if you were to shift your perspective entirely?  Pretend for a day or week or month that you just met this person.  Move into a separate bedroom.  Try to woo the person again.  Try to make them fall in love with you.

You would be surprised at how living your love can inspire romance.  When you think about how to win her over, you’ll bring her flowers.  When you think about how to win him over, you won’t be shrill in the morning to him.

Before you take any action, think about whether you would do that if you had just met your partner.  Before you say any words, think about whether they would be spoken if you were trying to win their heart.

Don’t fall into the comfortable but unsatisfactory routine that assumes that your partner is stuck with you and you are free to treat them however you’d like.  Instead, work on living your love and the romance will follow.

Share Love and Fear; Work and Play

Sharing your life is what you signed up for when you got married.  Remember the words of the traditional vows: “for better or worse, for richer and poorer…”  You agreed to share everything that life brought you.

Don’t get consumed in the everyday and forget to share.  Romance is not just about a weekend away on your anniversary.  It’s about sharing loving moments every day.

You also want to share what makes you anxious and fearful.  If you think you might lose your job, let your spouse know, and not just for budgetary reasons.  Let her know that losing your place in the working world makes you feel less of a man.  She’ll probably be able to reassure you that she is there for you where ever life takes you.

Let him know when there is someone at work that makes you uncomfortable.  It may not rise to the level where a formal sexual harassment claim would be in order, but you are unhappy with the person.  He might have suggestions on how to deal with the man.

But you should also share work and play.  

Divide the work of your life so that each person feels they are doing their portion.  This doesn’t mean that everything is exactly “equal.”  One person may be a better cook, so having both people responsible for dinner three days a week can make no sense.  One person may have significantly more earning power but their job demands longer hours so the other one takes up the slack at home.  The key here is that both people feel that they are sharing the burdens of the relationship in a roughly equal manner.

And don’t forget to share your play time.  This doesn’t mean giving up a girl’s night out or a regular poker game with the guys, but it does mean that you spend time together doing things you both enjoy.

Schedule a date night every week and take turns planning the evening out.  These don’t have to be expensive.  Window shop at the mall and have dinner at the food court.  Watch a classic movie and pop microwave popcorn.

If you have kids and can’t afford a sitter, swap date nights with another couple.  You watch their kids so they can go out one week and they do the same for you the next.

Whatever you do, spend time playing together.  It will spark the romance in your life and bring you closer together.

Listen, Listen, Listen

You may like to talk but hate to listen.  Or, you may not like to communicate much at all and tune out when the other person talks.

Conversation is a two way street.  You can not have a conversation of one.  Therefore, you must practice your listening skills if you want to spark the romance in your relationship.

Consider this conversation:

Wife: I want to go out for Italian food for dinner.

Husband: I was thinking about firing up the grill and making steaks this evening.

Wife: I really want lasagna and I’m way too tired to make it from scratch.

Husband: I’ve got a good New York Strip in the freezer.  I think I’ll put that on the grill.

This couple is talking past each other.  They are not listening.  Consider this alternative.

Wife: I want to go out for Italian food for dinner.

Husband:  Italian food huh?  I was actually thinking about firing up the grill and having steaks.  Would that be okay?

Wife: I’m actually hungry for lasagna.  I’ve been thinking about it all day.

Husband: Restaurant X isn’t exactly “Italian” but they have both lasagna and steaks.  Let’s go there.

One way to check whether you are really listening is to think about whether you are formulating your response before the other person has finished his or her point.  Active listening requires you to formulate a response only when the other person has had their say.  Often active listening will lead to a compromise position as we saw above.

How does this relate to reviving romance?  When a person feels like their partner really hears what they are saying, they are more receptive to him or her.  They want to please their partner in turn.  They become more loving toward the other person.  Active listening is one of the strongest things you can do to increase the romance in your marriage or partnership.

Don’t be a Jerk or a Nag

If you were at the stage of your dating where marriage was a serious consideration, would you have agreed to get married if you perceived that your partner was a jerk or a nag?  Of course not!  Women want to marry nice guys while men want to marry nice girls.  We want to marry people who we perceive will make us happy.

But, over time, many couples take the other for granted.  They begin to think that it is okay to be a nag or a jerk.

Much of this happens subconsciously.  As people start to live together and they grow past the initial romance of marriage, daily life creeps in.

All of a sudden, his leaving the toilet seat up becomes a major issue.  The fact that she doesn’t vacuum every day like his mother did starts eating away at his mind.

Also, the stresses of daily life encourage us to take each other for granted.  It’s easy to tell the other person to pick up the milk instead of asking them nicely.  We fall into ruts where it is his job to take out the trash even if he comes home from work exhausted.

Keep in mind that when you are in love, it is easy to gloss over each other’s imperfections.  As these come to light as you are living daily life, it is easy to turn into a nag or a jerk.  Your love is never as perfect as the night when you proposed or accepted the ring.  That’s a fact of life.

But, that doesn’t mean that you have license to be a nag or a jerk.  It’s impossible to feel romantic with someone who you perceive to be hostile to you.  Don’t put your partner in the position of not being able to love you properly because you have created a hostile environment.

When you do some serious introspection and realize that you have been a nag or a jerk, apologize for your behavior and work on correcting it.  Realize that it will take time for you to change and even more time for your partner to realize that you have changed.

In the meantime, increase the romance quotient by doing the other things suggested in this report such as giving your partner words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and actively listing to them.

Conclusion

Keep in mind the vision of the person that you initially fell in love with and work toward keeping that passion alive.  If you left text messages saying you were thinking about him back in the day, do it now as well.  If you wrote hand written love notes to her once upon a time, take up the practice again.

Don’t let children, family, friends, work or social obligations get in the way of romance.  Take the time to do what is necessary to keep your love alive.  Schedule some time each day to talk about the little things – your conversations should not always be about “big” issues.  Figure out how to have a date on a frequent basis.

Also remember that daily life changes people and circumstances.  Be adaptable to those changes without changing the structure of who you really are.  Accept that life will disappoint you, but you don’t have to disappoint your mate.

Try to see your partner as an individual – the most important individual in your live.  Do things to make him or her feel special.

The best way you can reignite romance in your life is to integrate the purity of spiritual love with the passion of physical love and the power of emotional love.

Author: Chase

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