The sad truth about all people is that we never fully comprehend or appreciate what we have until we lose it and this is also true of relationships. We tend to take the beautiful moments for granted and only focus on the bad times, usually escalating arguments into fighting matches that leaves both parties involved with terrible wounds.
If you have already gone past that stage and your partner has decided to end the relationship you may be in a state of total shock because you maybe never even saw it coming.
The first stage is total and complete denial, you can’t believe this is happening, it’s not real, they will be back, it’s only a heat of the moment decision, are all thoughts that are running around in your head.
Then you start finding it difficult to breathe as you realize that it actually did happen and they are gone. You feel as if someone is ripping the heart out of your chest and the pain is unbearable. You don’t want to face the world and you feel there is nothing that will ever make you feel better. You shut yourself off from the world for days on end, still hoping that maybe if you go sleep when you wake up you will find it was a nightmare.
Unfortunately, when you wake up nothing has changed and your love is still gone. Now you have to try and pull yourself together as much as you can because you have to get to work and you can’t look like a complete mess. You go through your day in a completely catatonic state, unable to pay attention to anything.
You start to hate people who tell you there’s plenty of other fish in the sea – because you know you only want THAT fish.
After a while, you realize you can’t live without your ex.
Everywhere you go, everything you see reminds you of the love you once shared and it is eating you up inside. From the couch where you used to cuddle to watch a movie, to your favorite restaurant where you laughed together over a plate of pasta, to the park bench where you used to sit together and watch the people walk by.
That is the moment you decide that you want your ex back, but not just any way. Where possible, you want to rekindle the love that was the foundation of such a beautiful relationship.
Couples break up and decide to get back together every day
Sometimes break ups happen for reasons that seem strange to us. Other times, small things may have gotten in the way of the bigger relationship picture.
It’s important to consider the reasons why you broke up before you begin looking at the ways to rekindle love.
Many people begin to blame themselves, thinking they’ve done something wrong to ruin the relationship. They go through every conversation and action, wondering what it was that made your partner suddenly decide he or she didn’t want to be with you any longer.
When this kind of self-blame happens, it can destroy your confidence levels and make things even more difficult to deal with.
Perhaps the biggest consideration you need to work through is why you want your partner back. Of course you miss being with your partner, but think carefully about the relationship you had.
Was it really that good, or were there parts about your lover you overlooked because you were in love? Did you have enough in common to create a lasting bond that would develop into a long term relationship? Did one or the other of you do something to break the trust between you?
Once you’ve answered these questions, it’s time to tackle some ways to help you get your ex back.
However, before you decide to attack the matter like a regular commando, with your war paint on and screaming “I will get you back if I have to walk to hell and back”, you need to do a little soul searching and a little objective analysis or you may ruin it all again.
You see, your ex is already thinking that things didn’t work between you. Even if you do manage to get him to give things another try, what will make him believe anything will be any different the second time around?
Are you both going to fall back into old patterns that ended the relationship in the first place?
Or are you prepared to build a solid foundation of love and trust so that the second time around is the one that lasts a lifetime?
What Do You Want?
Clearly you want your ex back if you are reading this book. However, what we need to look at is why. Are you absolutely sure it is because you love them? Or could it be because you are afraid of being alone?
After being in a relationship for a while everyone becomes dependent, to a degree, on their partner. This emotional attachment or dependence is what keeps relationships together when sometimes they should have long been over. So you need to look inside yourself and objectively analyze why you want this person back.
Is it really love or is it pride that they were the one to end things before you? This can be a difficult question to answer. But if you close your eyes an visualize your life in 15 or 20 years and your partner is not there, how do you feel? If your reaction is a gut-wrenching pain then it could very well be love. However, if your answer is that you either can’t visualize or your feelings are rather vague then forget about your pride and move on.
Since we all do things to either avoid pain or gain pleasure the question you need to ask yourself is two questions:
Do you link pleasure with their presence?
Do you link pain with their absence?
You may think they are both the same things but there’s quite a large distinction between the two.
If you are focusing more on the pleasure that results from their presence, then you truly do want them in your life as a person and a partner. However if you are focusing on the pain of their absence and how miserable you’ll feel if you’re alone, this may be purely because everyone needs a connection and what is really hurting you is being alone, not necessarily being without the other person.
You have to ask yourself whether you are afraid of going out into the big world alone because you have been so used to being part of a couple. Your pain may be linked to a fear of starting out again and connecting with other people.
However, if your painful feelings are linked to being without your partner and you feel without a doubt, after a little introspection, that you can’t live without them, then you need to understand what went wrong so you know what needs to be fixed.
Do not expect it to be an easy journey because everything in life requires commitment. You may discover things about yourself that are painful, but if you truly wish to change and rekindle your lost love then you need to stay the course.
Rekindle Your Love
If you really want to get your ex back and rekindle your love you need to determine exactly where the relationship fell apart and be honest about it. It wasn’t either your fault or theirs because as the saying goes, it takes two to tango. However, if you really want to rekindle a lasting relationship you have to understand what happened so you can hopefully fix the problems.
It’s been said that many relationships end when one person becomes too dependent on the other. Instead of being in a mutually loving, sharing relationship, one person may suddenly decide that they want more emotional input, more security and more reassurance. The other person may then begin feeling as though the pressure to constantly reassure the other is just too much.
Both men and women tend to develop an aversion to ‘clingy’ people. These are people who worry so much about losing their relationship that they tend to smother their partner. This kind of suffocating attention is enough to make some people want to leave.
A lot of relationships also end because of outside pressure from various issues that create so much tension that both of you are arguing constantly because you can get over the problems or set them aside. This is usually connected to what you prize most in life, which you may do without even realizing it.
There have been many studies that have shown that humans have certain basic needs that they need met to feel content. The priority we assign to each of these needs, which is done subconsciously, is what will basically determine the success of our relationships. Some of these needs are love, certainty, variety and significance.
In other words we need to feel loved and give love, to feel certain about a lot of the things in our lives, from finances to the love of our partner, yet we also want variety to add a little spice to our days. Of course, we also want to feel significant or important whether it is to our partner or other people in our lives. The importance we assign each of these needs will determine our behavior in any relationship.
For example, if you value certainty above love because you gave everything you had emotionally to someone before and they hurt you and you need to feel certain about the love of your partner then if they don’t instantly reassure you of their love, whether with actions or words, you might lash out in anger, frustration or sadness.
The problem is that you don’t even realize this is what it stems from. You are so focused on satisfying your need for certainty that love comes second. This also alludes to financial certainty. If you do not feel certain about your finances because you are both struggling then you may tend to lash out without realizing it and you may even be doing it because you are angry with yourself not your partner. But they are still on the receiving end.
Remember that your partner has the same needs and if you weren’t fulfilling them maybe that’s what ripped you apart. If you were too focused on your need for certainty and forgot to show them how much you loved them you probably pushed them so far that they couldn’t take any more of being in a relationship where their needs weren’t being met.
So, take out a piece of paper and a pen and start writing down what happened. If you were constantly arguing about the fact that they never cleaned up or other trivial issues you need to get to the heart of the matter because that wasn’t the real reason for the fight. Could it have been because you were having a tough time financially and your need for certainty wasn’t met so you took it out on the person closes to you? Or vice versa?
Of course, this will be a rather one sided analysis because you won’t know how your ex feels but if you solve at least the glaringly obvious issues then you can find out what needs they have that they feel you aren’t meeting. Maybe love is more important to your partner and you were so wrapped up in your issues that you didn’t show them that you cared.
Are you the same person he or she fell in love with? This is a difficult question to answer but if you are honest with yourself you will be able to do it pretty effectively.
Think about the last few times you were together. Were you the same loving, fun person your ex fell in love with? Did you spend time together enjoying each other’s company? Or were your last few meetings filled with tears, jealousy, disagreements and arguments?
Perhaps you’re one of the unlucky ones who thought everything was going along just fine, when your partner broke it off unexpectedly. No matter what the cause, there are always reasons behind the actions, even when they’re not immediately evident.
Life has a tendency to change us and drag us down if we don’t fight against the current of depression that seems to be so fashionable nowadays. The problem with depression is that it’s a vicious cycle. When we are depressed we turn on everyone, especially anyone who dares take us out of this state, and then we feel bad for acting the way we did so we sink even deeper into this state of depression.
So, ask yourself this, did you let life drag you down so much that you forgot about what is truly important in life? Did you allow financial worries to eat away at you so much that you couldn’t see how you were treating your partner?
Perhaps your own situation was more related to how everyone changes a little when they fall in love. After all, before you both met, you were independent, happy people, going about your own lives. Once you got into a relationship together, you both became a little dependent on the other to provide happiness, pleasure, security and comfort. This can become a problem if the part of you your ex fell in love with was your independence.
So, how much have you changed since you first met your ex? Do you like the person you have become? Were you a carefree, fun person with an insatiable love of life and now you have become someone who gets irritated at the drop of a hat?
If the changes in you are so vast you barely recognize yourself and you definitely don’t like who you have become then maybe it’s time you started doing something about it. After all, if you don’t like yourself this way, don’t you think that it will also have an impact on how your partner feels too?
If you are serious about getting your ex back then you have to be honest with yourself here. Stare at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself: Who have I become? If you don’t like the answer then it’s time to think about who you really are if you want to get your ex back and build a lasting relationship together.
The only way to rebuild your relationship is to first create lasting change within yourself. Work on building up your self-esteem and your self-opinion. Regain your old confidence and see if the happy, bubbly version of you is still in there. Otherwise you will just end up in the same old cycle that got you in this situation in the first place.
Contacting Your Ex
The biggest problem most people dealing with break ups face is trying to figure out why their ex won’t speak to them about what went wrong. Most people’s first instinct is to call or send a text message to ask what happened or to try and plead with their ex to reconsider.
Each time you do contact your ex, you’re subtly telling him that you’re not capable of existing without him. While this might sound romantic and noble in a Hollywood film, in reality you’re sending your ex a sure sign of your insecurity and high dependence.
Think back once again to when you first met. You would have been happy and fun to be around. You would have been quite happy to do things for yourself in your own life, deal with your own things and generally be independent.
Now consider all those desperate pleas to get back together, crying and swearing your undying love for your ex.
Your ex will be seeing someone completely different sitting there than the person he fell in love with, so the more you call or text or email, the less likely it is that he’ll want to talk.
Stop contacting him at once.
Spend some time reconnecting to the person you used to be. Build up your own self-esteem once again and start going out with friends to take your mind off things. Such simple advice is almost never taken seriously by someone who is so desperately wanting to keep in contact with their ex, afraid that if they don’t speak to him, he might meet someone else.
Unfortunately, it’s good advice. Give your ex some time to miss you. Give him a little space to make him understand what he’s lost and what life is like when you’re not around. You don’t have to wait weeks and weeks. Just give him a little time to see what it’s like being apart.
When you’re feeling a little happier about who you are and what you really want, only then give him a call and suggest you meet for a friendly chat. Meet somewhere public and make sure it’s relaxed. Have plenty of casual, light-hearted topics planned for conversation and avoid talking about the relationship. You want your ex to see that you’re capable of taking responsibility for your own happiness and not completely dependent on him to provide it for you.
When he does see the original happy, bubbly person he fell in love with sitting there opposite him instead of the crying, upset, miserable person he didn’t know how to help, he’ll begin to realize that he did miss you after all.
Getting Back Together
There are a lot of ideas out there on how to get back together with your ex, which can be useful but it all depends on what you want. If you just want them back for the sake of it then you can use reverse psychology techniques and similar strategies but be aware that these are unlikely to help you recreate a meaningful relationship that can stand the test of time.
On the other hand if you truly love your partner and know they love you too then you have to invest a little more time and emotion into the whole process. In this chapter we will look at some techniques that may be useful in the short term to get you back together and subsequently we shall explore how you should strengthen the relationship to rekindle lost love and passion.
The most prevalent advice you will find is that you should not initiate any form of contact with your ex for a minimum of three weeks with the reasoning that this is when loneliness spikes and they will be more open to you as suddenly they begin to realize what it is like to be without you.
However, this tactic can also backfire as your partner may feel you are not interested and that is why you are not calling. This is where insight into the breakup become invaluable as it will help you determine whether your partner leaving was because they didn’t want to be with you or whether it was their way of showing you that you aren’t meeting their needs. Some people withdraw in the hopes that their partner will pursue them as they need to feel secure about how much they are loved.
You may have also heard that a good strategy is to make your ex jealous by going out with other people as this will instill in them the fear of losing you completely. This is also a tactic that can easily backfire and destroy all shreds of trust left between the two of you because it will appear to your partner that they cannot depend on you at all. Most people want to feel they can rely on their partners completely, especially when times are hard so if you go running off to date someone else in an attempt to make them jealous, your actions may be perceived as running away from a difficult situation.
There is a way around this and that is to go out with your friends, which will also help you calm down as it can be extremely difficult to analyze the situation if you can’t get past the pain. You need to move on from the point of blame as it won’t help the relationship if you are only focused on playing the blame game. You need to uncover the problem to be able to create a solution as you are probably both to blame or you wouldn’t want them back. It does take two to tango after all.
You may find that your partner calls you first and in this case try and act pleased to hear them, not angry or desperate. You should avoid pushing them into a situation where they have no choice or attempting to make them feel guilty as this will ruin any chance of you getting back together.
If they do call, this is an excellent opportunity to propose that you meet, preferably over dinner, so you can discuss matters further. Or you can adopt another strategy that may give you a little more time and that is to say that maybe they were right and you both need some breathing space but that you would like to remain friends. This will give you time to start rebuilding the relationship from the foundation up.
So, if you are at the stage where you have both agreed to be just friends for now you can use this opportunity to create a stronger bond between the two of you. It is the perfect time to find out how they want their needs to be fulfilled. In essence you need to rebuild trust so that they can have their need for certainty satisfied which you probably need as well.
Rebuilding trust is a two way street and you must both accept your share of the problem as well as forgiving each other. Even if it seems that only one side is to blame, often the actions of one person can be in reaction to some things the other person did or didn’t do.
For example, you may have grown distant because you didn’t feel loved or that you came first to your partner but he or she doesn’t know this because of lack of communication. You both need to be honest with each other.
If you want trust you also must give trust, in other words do what you would like done unto you so you have to be willing to take the first step and have faith in both your partner and the relationship.